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Some History Since I've Been Gone

the moment you walk away from everything and life feels collided. my journey back to new york wasn't an easy one. i'd spent many days in tears wondering where i had been, where i was headed. why i was there and if i'd stay there forever. after a couple of months sobbing in sorrow, i'd realized that that wasn't who i was or who i'd wanna be. the saying you have to get knocked down to get back up again is in it's truths. when you crumble, you certainly feel faded.

i got up. eventually. it took time. who the hell in their right mind considers time? because i sure didn't. and little did i know that it'd pass before my weary eyes.

the only thing i've ever really lived for was proof. proving to myself that i could do anything and be something of worth. even if i didn't want it. i always felt the need to prove things to everyone and why is well, because if we don't as humans, then we feel no purpose.

i took my slagging ass and built up enough courage to go get a better job than Dunkin Donuts. i was after all, a single mom for the first time in my life. i had to feed my girls and minimum wage was only paying my gas to get there and back. and maybe get these kids to school. i knew i was worth more, so i walked into a nursing home, put my application in to be a certified nurses aide and got hired immediately. i wasn't shocked because i get hired on the spot often but this isn't what i wanted to do with my life either. but i had to for the time being. i started classes and worked at DD at the same time, ran the girls back and forth to school, kept busy and eventually started working on an Alzheimer|Dementia unit. as the warmer months grew strong, so did the salvage on the curbs. i picked up a dresser down the street from us and hauled it back to the house to clean and paint for my eldest. it was then that i started driving by more and more antique furniture that had been set out for me to grab.

overloaded on seventy hours a week between the two jobs i had kept, i found myself in tears one evening on the way to a dunkin that wasn't the usual store i had worked but they needed help at that location and of course i said yes, i would take it. i was driving too far and not getting any satisfaction from the good ol' coffee maker i'd become, so i eventually let that job go. it was too much. i'm a gal that lives simple and free. the cost of living didn't matter to me. the life i wanted to enjoy did. and if that meant going without, then so be it. i stayed at the nursing home for eight months. i worked over fifty hours a week to make that check worth something. but at the end of the day, my heart wasn't there either. i hadn't quite given up that job when i was thrifting, finding so much vintage at estate sales and on the curb. i tore the experience apart wondering why i hadn't done this long ago. it was naturally my calling. i mean why else was i finding all of this. i put alot of "JUNK" on facebook rummage sales that i didn't intend on keeping and met some pretty nice ladies who introduced me to a world of new beginnings for me.

this was it. this is what i want to do with my life. i want to sell vintage, wear it and live in the 60's. i embraced the life so much that i eventually gave being a CNA up. i kept driving by a little place that was for rent while i was going to the post office and i just kept staring at it. and then i said, "if this place is still available when i drive by again, it's mine!" i did end up opening a brick and mortar there. i also ended up a month later running two shops. word spread so quickly, i was all over the place. and what i was originally doing in my shop ended. i was no longer painting furniture and selling a few vintage pieces, i was running a full blown coffee shop, flea market and selling everyone else's goods. i was in a new location remodeling my aunt and uncles shop when i started getting custom orders back. i decided that that was what i opened a shop for and that's what i was going to do. i began a Mackenzie Childs look for a client right before Christmas. Finished it that weekend and she picked it up that Saturday afternoon. that evening, i went home. Sundays were closed but i received a banging at my door at 3 a.m. telling me the shop burnt down. i was frozen. my life was filled with so much purpose once again and then it was gone in a matter of hours. there were apartments upstairs of our building and the fire started back by their stairs. my life was over. again. i had proved that i could be somebody and it was gone before i actually soared. i spent a year in depression. went through a break up, lost a shop, my livelihood, and felt like there was no more purpose. why did things always happen to me. i obviously felt so much and blamed myself to where i never got out of bed. for months i wracked my brain wondering what i'd done wrong. a lot. i did so many things wrong. but i realized that i'm human and i'm not perfect. and i can and will stand up again. and again and again. no matter how many times life spits on me. i have to live. and i have to figure it out.

i had the girls for over three years and decided that it was time for their dad to take them. i needed time to get myself healthy once again and he did. he was good enough to me and started taking care of them full time. i left new york. i headed back to florida and got a full time position managing the back room of a grocery store. believe it or not, i make more money than i ever have working here in florida. it's ok for now. i still have my online shop and still sell a little bit. i had to escape everything and get my life back. i need to get myself going once again and so i am. slowly. i'm not at all fulfilled but i am trying. this site started when i was in florida. i neglected it when i was in ny and now that i am back where it all began, i'd love for it to be what it used to be! amazing. this group of bloggers gave me purpose just like my shop did. this community made me smile. i'm sorry i left it. i'm sorry life hit me in the ass so hard that i was down for years. i dont want to be scattered anymore. i want a fulfilled life and i have to learn how to achieve it. life is worth fighting for. it's meant to have it's ups and downs, smiles and frowns. i know i don't want to tackle this new adventure alone. and i know i want y'all with me. so what do you say, join us on a new FTLOB journey and let's create a better blogging community once and for all; for good!!!! and...............

never give up 



Ryan Axel said…
Great to read this post!!
Thanks for sharing it!!
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