a Fight to get my Life back

for months i was sick, got stung by a bee in late spring of this year and days later my immune system went completely berserk. a battle with depression didn't help after i lost everything either. i don't know what was eating at me, all i know is that i felt malaise. All the time, it was awful. And then I started getting migraines again and after suffering for so many years with chronic migraines, I was even more sick to know that they didn't just fade away. But i got up each day and faced the music. I barely went out though. I stayed at home, outback with the fox and deer, my mom lived with us for half the year. And then her signs of early dementia were taking a toll on my health as well. She felt embarrassed when I brought up her hygiene but i have been in nursing and was willing to assist her because she was my mother. She didn't take it very well and was just ugly to me. So i had to let her go and one of the hardest trials of my life is battling a relationship, a good one with her. My kids and me at this time were far more important. I needed to take back my life as a mom and so I cut cords with everything and everyone that was in my life at the time.
I focused on getting up and doing things with the girls. I knew that if I stayed inside all the time, I would just wither away and i couldn't allow that to happen. We carved pumpkins this past week and enjoyed the fresh, chilly air. It smelled like life was right once again. I'm still very lost, broken....because so much happened to me in the last year, but I'm ready to steal my life back. I need to.

i'm going to force myself to tackle the joys of life and it's not easy. no one knows how sad depression is and how terribly awful it can affect ones life. i'm not medicated. i'm not incapable of getting up each morning. i'm just in fear. and i have to break that fear or i'll never beat it. so here's to fall, crisp air, pumpkin carving with the kids, snapping shots of pretty flowers again and taking our lives back. if you suffer depression, i am sorry! you're not alone. i never knew what depression felt like ever in my life. but now i do. and i can honestly say, we don't have to let it take over our lives. feel free to write about it, talk about it and know that we here in this blogging community are here for you! don't be afraid. xoxo


Susanne said…
I just stumbled over this blog on another blog.. I once was a member here. It's great to see you back! I used to read your Honey Hazel blog, know you had hard times.. and have been looking for you sometimes to see how you were doing, and have been worried for you actually. It's good to see you back, and that you keep running this community.
Aw Susi! Thank you!!!! i have been secretly keeping up with you all and needed to bring this back! i missed everything about it. you are such a sweetheart, glad to have you backkkkk! xo

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